I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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