I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
