My first STD was from a foam party
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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