I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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