Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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