help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Bring me that man meat
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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