I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
