Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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