Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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