My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
