I think my vagina is haunted
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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