heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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