She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
