you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Less talking, more tequila
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
