If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
