I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
