I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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