so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
