Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
His nipple licking is glorious
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