Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
