she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
