and my herpes radar will keep us safe
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
