clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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