you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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