I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
