Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
