i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
