Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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