i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
