It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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