I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
