Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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