Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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