dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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