She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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