just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
