You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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