I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
