help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
