He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
