Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
