would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
