you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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