So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
