Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
NoShamevember. You game?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
