I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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