david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Randomize
