I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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