i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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