I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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