I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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