Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
