Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
