Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there was a trapeze. enough said
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
that may or may not have been my penis.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
