I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
