just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
