just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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