my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
